Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
