Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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