The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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