The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
