I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
