He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
