I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
