she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
