I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
