Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
we should paint friendship bongs
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