ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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