he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
