Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
