so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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