I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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