I heard we made out
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
