Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize