Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
