The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
