I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize