Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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