Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
