the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
