my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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