she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
