I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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