this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
