It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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