I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
