Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
