just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Randomize
