I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
