nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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