Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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