either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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