Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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