Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
