she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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