Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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