im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
