Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
