Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
