just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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