Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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