I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
