I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
the liver wants what the liver wants
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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