do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
