when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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