I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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