i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
