She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
