First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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