My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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