I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
