Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
