I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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