Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize