Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
