Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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