so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
