When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
